I wish I could tell them that they can make it through, that they're being deceived, that they can have so much more. Having cyber sex with older men made me feel powerful, untouchable and fuckable at the same time. It was incredibly painful, raw and real. And we never actually talked about it; it was this unspoken thing that clearly affected the relationship between my parents and I, but nothing was ever done to address it. I fell into this trap and couldn't escape; I became obsessed. It's the consequence of some fucked up things that happened in my life and that I took to the Internet.
Yes, I really did love him. I feel foolish and stupid every time I bring this subject up. Most of all, I felt sad for that girl I wish she could see that she didn't need any of them to feel whole. The reality of what I did, what they did, hit me like an avalanche. I just wish other people understood this. I wish I could show them all their value. It gave me a boost of self-esteem like nothing else ever had. I don't talk about this because honestly, I'm ashamed. And we never actually talked about it; it was this unspoken thing that clearly affected the relationship between my parents and I, but nothing was ever done to address it. In essence, they'll victim-blame me. Yes, there was something wrong, but it wasn't with me, and my cyber sex was nothing more than a symptom of something bigger. I was lonely, depressed, suffering from an eating disorder and was recovering from incest. Older men on the Internet gave me that reason. No, I never ran away to have a sleepover with any of them, but it didn't make any of it any better. I also know people will look at me differently and view me as a victim. I know there are so many girls who've been through the same, or similar. It's the consequence of some fucked up things that happened in my life and that I took to the Internet. They'll judge me, shame me internally or externally and think that I should have known better. Yes, we had cyber and phone sex. At the time, all I wanted to do was run away; I was counting down the days until I turned Hi, I'm Erin, and I used to have sex with older men on the Internet. Yes, we'd exchanged nudes. I need a reason to wake up in the morning. I wish I could tell them that they can make it through, that they're being deceived, that they can have so much more.
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